


Emotions in Aprea

by sneakyroguethief



Series: Adventures in Aprea [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Aprea, Feels, High Fantasy, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-10-22 01:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17653691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakyroguethief/pseuds/sneakyroguethief
Summary: intense D&D leads to sorting out feelings via writing





	1. Guilt

Astra wrapped her cloak around herself on the small dinghy and tried not to show her panic.  It was a rare moment in which she could feel her emotions rising to the point of overwhelming her.  She gently shook her head, listening to the slight jingle of her earrings, but it didn’t bring her its usual comfort.  Her whole body tremored as she tried to keep from openly weeping. She felt like such a failure.

She remembered I’ssuri’s words… “You’re too trusting.”  And she had been. They had been betrayed. She had questioned too late.  And now, Ender was gone. They were stranded quite a ways from land. The man from Brian’s trial, Karul, had left them to burn or drown, and she wondered if Brian had chosen differently if this would still have played out the same.  Though, regretting it would hardly make any difference now. Karul, Jeoral, and Sinaestrae had gotten Elijah’s journal, so the path to the Tome of Absolution was laid out for them.

What had Kir’a-- no, it wasn’t her.  It had never been her. It was always Sinaestrae.  She had watched them and gained their trust and--

Astra rubbed her horns as if trying to wipe away any traces of her aunt’s touch.  She knew it was only in her mind, but… she could still feel it. She shuddered.

She hadn’t thought much of it in the moment.  It had just seemed like harmless flirting. But now… had Sinaestrae seen I’ssuri in her face?  Did she know her? Did she think that her horns were part of a disguise, just as Captain R-- as Jeoral had used?

There was a pang in her chest.  She had trusted him too, possibly even considered him a friend.  He had seemed so-- but how could he-- And why? Was it really about his illusion being seen through?  And what would he have done if we’d seen through it sooner? What would he have done if we _had_ gone with him to the Tears of Carmentrand instead?  Had he thought that the Tome of Absolution might have been hidden away there?

Just what power could they truly wield from the Tome?  Surely this couldn’t just be about the status earned by returning it to their people.  Was there more to it? Whatever the reason, Astra felt in the pit of her stomach that neither she nor I’ssuri would be safe if the Tome of Absolution were to fall into their hands.  She remembered Brian’s face at seeing Karul, and a small part of her couldn’t put out of her mind the thought that him possessing the Tome might be much worse than if either Jeoral or Sinaestrae had it.

She traced the arcane symbol and spoke the words to her mother in her mind.  “I met her. Safe, but not sure for how long. She knows where to find Tome of Absolution. Please get to safety. I love you.”  This was all she could do for now. Her magic was all but tapped. She needed to rest, but they were stranded at sea. Moreover, how could they rest when Ender was still missing?  Ender had been her responsibility. She had been the one to tell him that he could join them. And Thulmir, he had wanted nothing to do with this or with their people. He just wanted to go back home and live a peaceful, honest life, but instead, he was stuck there with them.

The guilt made her tears weigh heavily against her eyelids until they spilled down her cheeks.  She wanted to scream and cry out but just sat there shaking in silence. This was her fault. _She’d_ taken Elijah’s journal.   _She’d_ carried it with her.  And _she_ had been the one who it had been stolen from.   _She_ had put her family and loved ones in danger.  And in that moment she felt incredibly helpless.

As she felt her sorrow welling up around her, there was a gentle prodding in her mind.  She wasn’t alone. She couldn’t give up now, not while there was a chance she could save Ender.  She called on the Traveller to intervene and hoped there was something They could do to help them.


	2. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra's thoughts as she drifts off to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Context:  
> Astra did two sendings, one to Jeoral and one to her aunt Sinaestrae.  
> [Jeoral]: what do we need to do for Ender to be returned, safe and alive, to us? / reply: (amused) trying to make a deal, eh? Just between us? Just keep leading us to where-  
> [Sinaestrae]: do you know me? / reply: (with vitriol) Slyan'ssun

_Slyan’ssun._

Astra had gotten her answer.  She had needed to know, but… hearing her true name in her aunt’s voice, having this knowledge felt so much worse than she could have imagined.  She shivered with a cold that had nothing to do with the ice palace, completely drenched in her own fear.

Sarazur was right.  It had been stupid. She hadn’t told even them about messaging her aunt, only that she’d contacted Cap- Jeoral.  She needed to get it through her head that Captain Richards wasn’t real. She needed to extinguish any remaining faith she had in him.  But if he could return Ender to them, safe and alive, wouldn’t it be worth the risk?

But at what cost?  Jeoral himself had told them that no one gives anything for free.  What price was she willing to pay to get the boy back? Was one life worth all of the lives who might be affected by the Tome being exhumed?  

Stop.  

No.  There has to be a way to save them all.   _Think_.

They had wanted Neph before, so why didn’t they want her now?  Why had they taken Ender instead? Something must have changed. Did Elijah’s journal provide them with what they had needed from Neph before?

_Keep leading us to where-_

Karul and the drow still needed them.  They still need Neph.  It was possible that Ender was just being used as leverage.  They can’t find Neph, but…

The rest of them were compromised, Astra with her connection to Sinaestrae, Kas with her connection to Karul via Alane, and Brian with his connection to Karul whatever that might be.  It had definitely seemed personal, intimate even, given Jeoral’s reaction.

If she was going to keep negotiating with Jeoral, she needed to be thinking ahead.  He would regret calling them stupid, but for now, she needed him to keep thinking they were, she needed him to keep underestimating them.  They weren’t going to be so easy to betray this time.

If Karul got what he wanted, what was stopping him from just killing Ender or the rest of them for that matter?  There had to be some way for them to get the upper hand.

Exhaustion was catching up to her, and as she was scared to close her eyes, she knew she needed sleep.  She would approach this problem with a clear head and the help of her family in the morning.


	3. Conflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra spiralling before sleep once again (beginning to see a pattern here haha)

Astra curled up in her pile of blankets and tried to process everything she had learned.  The tip of her tail flicked in agitation.

The Tome could let someone enter Lolth’s realm or let Lolth into theirs.  She remembered the ritual from her trial and the haunting dreams of the spider that had followed it.  Had Lolth been trying to reach out to her? In which case, the shimmering aurora that had protected her must have been her own deity, but why were either of them in her dreams to begin with?  

Her mother had told her as much as she could, but maybe… Astra had never tried reaching out to Odyssey before, and now knowing that things between he and I’ssuri had been more serious than she had originally been told, she wondered if he might have more answers for her.  Even though Astra had been blessed by their deity, she knew virtually nothing about them other than that she needed to travel and learn. Moreover, Odyssey would know more about the tome since he’d been the one to steal it. Perhaps it was due to her limited information about her own deity, but It felt wrong to remove a religious artefact from its rightful place amongst its people.  But if it was a beacon of resurgence, then she herself was obligated to bring it to the Order of the Wereinbac.  Did that mean that her father and Elijah Ashune were also members of the Order?  But if they were, why did they choose to hide the tome rather than bring it in?

And what was Neph’s connection to this?  If Jeoral needed Neph to find the Tome, did she know the hiding place?  And why had they only chosen to attack at that moment? Were they hoping that we would lead them straight to the tome without a fight only to kill us afterwards?  Karul and the drow could easily have killed them, but they just let them go. They assumed they would survive. Clearly, they don’t think we’re as stupid as they played it off.  They didn’t kill us.  They easily could have.  Or could they?  What if the antimagic they'd used worked both ways and affected them too?  What if it was all a grand feint?

Astra’s tail rapid-fire tapped the floor in agitation.   _ Vith _ .  She shouldn’t have contacted them.  Talking with Sinaestrae had only filled her with dread, and Jeoral… despite the betrayal and stranding them in the ocean, she could feel her trust in him entrenching further.  It was an uncomfortable feeling that settled like a weight in the pit of her stomach, leaving her in a state of conflict. She wanted to believe that the honourable man he’d been up until the betrayal hadn’t been all a lie.  She wanted to believe that if he got the tome, he would simply restore it to their people, but… If Karul could convince Brian to blow up part of his own home, then was it unreasonable to assume that he could convince Jeoral to commit the grievous offence of disturbing Lolth?  But why would he want to?  Did this have to do with Alane?  What would a demon want with Lolth?  Just what kind of demon was he?  Kas had mentioned that he wouldn’t want to share power, but maybe he had a way to take Lolth’s power for himself.

Astra’s indigo skin paled at the thought.  Karul’s presence made her skin crawl, but now Alane scared her even more, and in comparison, her aunt didn’t seem nearly as frightening.  It was strangely comforting that the worst Sinaestrae could do was kill her, but if Alane was amassing power, he could affect so much more.

She felt her tail flick something soft and felt a purring in her mind.  “Sorry, Shu,” she whispered.  She curled her tail around her and clutched it to her chest.  She was spiralling when she needed to be sleeping.  She peered over at Thulmir and Yeemick huddled together asleep.  She had been prepared to do what had to be done if one of them had been set to betray them.  Knowing they were innocent filled her with an overwhelming sense of relief.  She wanted to keep them safe.  She wanted them to have the chance to live their lives according to their own hopes and dreams. 

She worried her thumb over the protective sigil on the stone wolf Kas had made her.  The tip of her tail now thumped irritably against her own chest as she held it against her.  The missing piece that was still bothering her was how Sinaestrae knew her name. Just how long had she been following her?  The thought made her immensely relieved that her mother and Ferinia had gotten to safety She assumed they had taken Malek and Marelle and Onrik into hiding as well.  She hoped that the children weren’t too frightened.  Depending on where they’d gone to ground, it was entirely possible that it would feel like they were reliving the siege all over again.  This was not the childhood Astra had hoped to give them.  The guilt and conflict in her turned to anger and determination. One way or another, this would end, and Astra would make them regret bringing terror back into those children’s lives.

An eerie calm settled over her, and her tail finally stilled.  She looked down at the little wolf in her hand and smiled.  She had remembered something: wolves run in packs.  She wasn’t in this alone.  For the first time since the Harbinger, she wasn’t afraid.


	4. 6 Seconds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The breadth of time in which Astra has before initiative with Faeraen and her six companions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's super short but encapsulates the current state of emotions Astra left off on

_ Faeraen had abandoned the others just to kill Brian and Luran and Sarazur.  And Ender… could we really be too late?  _

Astra’s mind was screaming.  She felt physically ill from invading Faeraen’s mind.  She couldn’t stop herself from shaking.  She was still reeling from the feeling of trying to meld with the same type of blade Faeraen was wielding and maybe it was just that she wasn’t trained to use it, but it had nearly taken her own arm, and she remembered how badly it had hurt Bluey before.  Astra couldn’t bear the thought of it being used against anyone else.  She had to stop Faeraen from hurting them.


	5. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Assisters wake up to find Ender's severed arm outside their tent.

When she’d first awoken, Astra had been so, so… happy wasn’t quite the right word.  There was joy in it, but it was more akin to a feeling of awe and completeness. Her deity had spoken to her.  She had told Astra so much, and just being in Her presence had been such a beautiful feeling.

Brian’s hand had been ripped from her own.  Confusion.  Alarm.  Bluey cursing.  The rushing about and recasting of Luran’s Sanctum.  Clouded now.  What mustn’t be seen?

Brian gingerly sharing the expertly severed arm of Ender.  

The precision of it could only have been Vashar.  Other than his now missing arm, and from the evidence presented in the arm itself, they had not otherwise harmed him physically.  

The words on his finger: _You Asked For It._

Jeoral knew she hadn’t meant this.  She was livid.  She wanted to show him recompense.  She considered sending him a message to air her fury but stopped.  She pondered what her deity had told her about him in the dream.  A strange sadness crept in, softening her rage.  He had strayed from his deity because of Karul.  She knew F would never ask that of her, and she was incredibly grateful for it.  Jeoral must care very deeply for Karul, especially to let it have swayed his faith.  Her anger began to reorient towards Karul.  It seemed to her that the only things he cared about were to see the world burn and to hurt Brian while doing it.  He was the one she would aim her wrath at.

With the storm inside her becoming more focused, her thoughts turned to the tome and Ender.  Even knowing what she did about Lolth, Astra still wanted the tome returned to their people, and if Jeoral could not be trusted to do this, then she would need to entrust it to her aunt.  It would probably be safer to have it restored to the drow than to give it over to the Order of the Wereinbac, given the defences the drow had in place for it as well as it being a sin to wield the tome’s power.

She didn’t trust Sinaestrae by any means, but she strengthened her resolve to push past her fear.  She committed herself to making a deal with her aunt.  She needed to get Ender back.  And she had to let Sinaestrae know that Jeoral was a threat to her mission in a way that wouldn’t come off as weak or desperate or manipulative.  Her last Sendings with Sinaestrae had gone… well, at least, she had gotten replies.  She would try again, for Ender’s sake.


	6. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra is drunk and having the feels after getting yelled at for doing something that could have gone absolutely disastrous.

Astra lay on the ground a short distance away from Kas and Brian and Shu and let the alcohol cloud her mind.  She didn’t care that she was uncomfortable.  She didn’t want to be closer.  She didn't deserve to be.  She had… ‘compromised the group.’  Sarazur might be an ass, but he was right.  At least about this.  She didn’t have to do what Brian had asked of her.  But… she had.  She had done what he asked.  She had sent his message to Karul.

Thank the gods that Kas was there.  Astra didn’t want to think about what would have happened if Brian had been taken.  She let the alcohol dull her thoughts so she couldn’t think of just how badly things could have gone.  Tears silently fell down her cheeks.  She squashed all her feelings down until the only thing left was regret.  Regret that Anna had come to find Ender on her own.  Regret that this had happened to Ender.  Regret that she had acted in a way that could have brought harm to Brian.  Regret that she had brought danger upon all these people she cared for.

Her mind wandered to Ferinia.  She desperately wanted to hear her voice, but she thought about what Sarazur had said.  Her sendings could possibly be used to reveal the location of Ferinia and everyone else in hiding as well as her own.  So instead she got out a leaf of paper and some ink and began a letter that she knew she’d probably never send.

[Written in a combination of Undercommon and Dwarvish]

_Dear one,_

_I miss you terribly. I know, starting out with such a sappy sentiment, but please, allow me.  I told you things were bad, but I hid from you just how bad. Remember the birthday party for my godson Ender?  Well, he wanted to come with us on an adventure, and my intent was to send him to you to return Thulmir home. (Thulmir’s going by Ben now, by the way. I don’t know if that was a name you or dad gave him, but I suppose it suits him if that’s what he wishes to go by.)  Ender really would have loved to see your personal library._ ~~_But_ _now_ ~~

_The ship we’d been travelling on, the Harbinger, well, it’s gone.  My aunt (I’ssuri has sisters, four of them apparently) along with three other drow had been crewing the ship in disguise, and Ender found out, and well, they took him and left us at sea.  Nini Sinaestrae is not in charge, but the one who is, Jeoral._ ~~ _H_ _e_ ~~ _I trusted him._ ~~ _He_ ~~

Astra stopped.  Her heart ached.  She couldn’t think about this anymore.  She crumpled the paper and stuffed it deep in her bag.  She pulled out some yarn and began working on her next project until she nodded off.  


	7. Hindsight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party just finished a battle with a Roc, possibly upsetting the balance of the ecosystem of the Sand Wastes of Kalkarne. Astra has a moment to ponder before they continue their trek.

Astra wiped the blood off her face.  She felt a weight in the pit of her stomach.  This was not how she wanted to do this.  This is not the person she wanted to be.  She had reacted out of fear, and she didn’t regret protecting everyone, but there had to be a better way.  

She pondered her words to Ben: I have to believe in a better world.

They could have run.  They should have.  She had run from the wolf in her trial.  She looked at her ash-stained palm.  What did it mean? 

There was so much she didn’t know, so much she still needed to learn.  Once they reached their destination, she would dedicate herself to finding out.


	8. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra deals with vast amounts of new information after getting Neph to her family

Astra wasn’t sure what she had expected, but… her mind felt clearer now.  Less cluttered from the toil of the past week.  She felt less burdened.  Like she could breathe again.  She doubted it would last long, but even a small reprieve was nice.

Even without knowing Neph’s history, Astra would have protected her with everything.  But if they were to leave here with her, Sarazur’s burden would likely pass to them since he would likely need to stay with the Empress.  But it wasn’t a burden.  No matter what Astra would protect Nephelle with her all.

But first, they had to bring about the much-needed peace to this land, and then… well, then they go for the tome.  Astra was inclined to believe that Neph had remembered what she needed in order to find it. Though after being hidden for so long, Astra almost dreaded unearthing it from it’s hiding place.  A thought struck her.  Before she could even consider returning it to the drow or taking it to the Order of the Wereinbac, she needed to read it.  She didn’t want to use it, but she needed to learn and understand.  She needed answers, and the only place she was going to find them was in that tome.

On a different note, what did this mean for Karul?  Was he previously Kane, the empress’ advisor for two years?  The timeline would add up for his arrival in the Mesaje.  What changed in the two years he was in the palace?  Why had he been there?  And what had made him go the Mesaje?  Why did he seek out Brian?

Her thoughts of Karul inevitably fluttered over to Jeoral.  Honestly, it didn’t take much.  She thought of him often.  But this time, her thoughts were different, they held a different feeling in her heart.  A newfound confidence stirred in her.

Perhaps Jeoral was right about her.  Perhaps she would change the world in bigger ways than she thought.  Perhaps she would bring about the changes that had he sought out from Karul.  

She really wanted to message him but thought better of it.  What could she say that would change anything?  Her feelings of anger and harshness towards him had faded.  In truth, she missed him, or the person she remembered.  She knew she would see him again.  She just hoped that when she did, she could change his mind.  She so very much wanted to save him if she could.  If he were to fight in the ritual combat, would it be possible to spare his life?  If it was her aunt fighting, she didn’t know if she would seek the same.

But the one thing she did know was that her days as Astra would soon be coming to an end.


	9. The night before the combat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astra's pre-sleep reflection before going to Ritual Combat the next day

As she curled up in her sleeping bag, Astra let her emotions wash over her as she worried her fingers over the fluorite wolf Kas had made her.  She hoped Kas was doing alright and that she could make her way back to them soon.

The smooth stone rolled through her hand and she pondered the ash on her palm.  It hadn’t left her, not since the trial. She’d touched a tree, or so she’d thought.  If it was not from the tree, then… 

_ All the sacrifices. _

She could barely contain the thought.  Her mind became so loud with terror and panic.

She put the wolf away for fear of damaging it in her stress and wrapped her arms around herself instead with her hands clenched into fists.  She could feel herself fracturing, drowning. She needed to distract herself, anything to put herself back together. She couldn’t lose herself now.  There was too much at stake.

She focused on her fears, trying to muffle the screaming in her mind.  Rolmy swam into her mind.  His message had been… terrifying but… intriguing.  And Brian’s reaction, she’d never seen it before, but it was hard not to recognise that anger and hatred for what it was.  Her mind cleared as she focused on Brian.  She had seen that his relationship with his parents, and Rolmy in particular, was… well, it was much different from the one she had with her own mother.  She felt like she shouldn’t judge his parents for it, but it was hard not to.  She cared so deeply for Brian, and it was hard not to let his feelings affect her own. 

Thinking of such feelings, she wondered how long Brian would go without expressing what he felt for Luran.  If they were to fight to the death the next day, and one of them were to fall, there would be such regret for those feelings being unexpressed.  Astra had her own regrets that she would hold if she fell in battle.

She had been afraid to let herself hope that the Empress would know of Odyssey.  If she survived the ritual combat tomorrow, she would ask. But what to ask? She knew he and Elijah had made the stabiliser for the rift, so she knew he had a certain degree of power and knowledge.  She knew that he wasn’t a one-night stand for her mother, but she had no idea what kind of person he was. She had never known him, and he had meant nothing to her before when she thought he had meant nothing to her mother.  But now, she really did want to find him, to know him.  Though from what Selune had told her, it might already be too late. 

She rolled over and watched Neph and Danuelle.  Seeing them together and interacting as siblings brought some joy and hopefulness back into her heart.  She would go to the ritual combat. She didn’t know if she would be chosen to fight, but Gelda had shown her that she had more to offer than just physical strength.  She would do what she had to, to survive and to protect them.  And she would stand proudly as a drow as she did.


	10. Victory and Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we won the ritual combat but it was hard won and left Astra (now Slya/Slyan'ssun) with some heavy reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just left this one in first person

So, that’s it.  We won. All this conflict, it’s finally coming to an end.  Now we can talk to them. And they just have to listen? Is it really that simple?

I was so worried when they chose Brian.  And then when Bluey was hurt. Having to wait and just watch through the whole thing was terrifying.  I was glad to be holding Luran’s hand throughout, keeping us both anchored as Bluey and Brian continued to take injury, keeping each other from going too far.  

We chose Faeraen, and I just, I lost myself for a moment.  I let my fear take over and I wasted a spell. It is a lesson.  I cannot allow myself to be so careless. There is so much more danger on the horizon for us.  But this one is over at least.

Faeraen can never come after Brian or Luran or Sarazur again.  I… I don’t know how to feel. I know she wouldn’t have stopped.  I  _ know _ .  I  _ felt  _ her thoughts.  And I know there’s nothing I could have done to change her mind.  It’s just… I guess what bothers me most is just that I don’t think she chose this for herself.  We all came of our own accord and by our own decisions, and that she didn’t receive a choice in the matter, perhaps that is what has left such a bitter taste in my mouth about her death.  I hope that the Dunes will allow me the time to give her proper funerary rites. It is all I can do for her now. Perhaps Falla can assist so that I don’t get it wrong. I’ssuri never instructed me in how to care for those who have fallen, and though I felt no love for Faeraen, I would hate to do her the disservice of disrespecting her in death.


	11. Negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slya's perspective of this Absolute Mess of a session

I am grateful for the kindnesses Randall Paine has shown us.  He appears to be an honourable man.  Karul seems to have a habit of collecting them.  But once their usefulness has served its purpose, will he simply discard them as he did Faeraen?  Is this what he has planned for us too?  I cannot watch them all die.

I learned more of Odyssey from the Empress.  I wish I had understood, I wish I had known… I wish that he had been more important to me.  I could have searched, I could have… I could ask Brian to look for him, but I fear what I will find.  If his quest truly has passed to me, I fear it is already too late.  I need to find that journal the Empress mentioned.  Even if he is gone, I think through this I can still learn what I need to know.

I wanted to get to know the girl Falla, but I don’t think I should intrude on her duties, and I don’t want to leave Brian’s side.  He seems so shaken.  I don’t think I can leave his side right now.  He seems so worried about leaving here quickly, but I think our odds are better to run rather than teleport.  We are too far spread out to use a teleport.  I doubt we would be able to gather the entirety of Bluey, Neph, Sarazur, and the Empress to those of us already here to make a teleport a reasonable option.  Bluey and Neph have been gone for quite a while.  Brian checked on them, but nothing seemed amiss at the time, so I am trying not to worry.

I hope the negotiations will be done soon.  I will be glad to leave this place of fire and blood behind us.


	12. A Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we survived an attack by one of our big bads and now we have to decide what to do next

Well, shit.  That was… huh.  Okay. Okay. Okay.  Fuck.

I think we’re safe.  For now.

I can’t believe I let him so close.  I can’t believe that I actually managed to hold him there long enough for us to escape.  One thing is for certain, Karul has no need for us alive.  But he still needs Neph.  We have to keep her safe.  I need to talk to her.  I need her to understand.  He could have killed me; he could have killed everyone.  He nearly did. 

If I’m no use to him, then what is keeping Sinaestrae by his side?  She is a fool if she thinks that he’ll just let her leave with the tome.  I can’t just watch her die as a pawn in his game like Faeraen.  I don’t care if she wants me dead; if I can save her from that fate, shouldn’t I try?  Even if she can’t give us Ender, there’s no reason not to tell her that Jeoral is their weak link.

After this meeting with Karul, I have no mercy left in me for either of them.  I am… furious?  Disgusted?  I cannot even properly describe this feeling.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt hatred before, but I think this might be close.  Karul got me alone.  And he, I don’t know what he tried, but if I hadn’t been able to resist it, I am almost certain I would be dead.  He broke the truce of the ritual combat and sullied Randall’s honour.  This betrayal, this is the point of no return.

But I don’t know how I can get Ender back.  I don’t think he is merely a hostage, but I can’t give up on him until I know.  I will try one last time.  If I can save him, I have to try.

This is an absolute mess.  How are we going to resolve this?  It seems so overwhelming. Luran mentioned taking a break, and I can’t think of anything I need more than a moment of calm and safety in F’s arms, but how can I when it’s not yet safe?  How can I rest when there is so much at stake?  How can I rest when I can’t yet return Ender home?


End file.
